By Lisa Vanderkleed
To have or not to have another child? The question was on my mind and my heart as my husband, Drew, and I left the hospital shortly after the passing of our son, Logan, in August 2017. As we walked to our car, I looked over at Drew and said, “I want to have another baby.”
Drew immediately turned to me and agreed, “Yes, let’s try to have another one.”
The decision brought us comfort, but it was fleeting. As we approached our car, the pain of losing Logan was excruciating. Knowing the sight of his car seat would make me feel as though I had left him behind, I’d asked a family member to remove it. Still, I felt his absence. There was also an imbalance. Our norm was four – my husband, myself and our two kids. We’d had the family I’d dreamed of having since I was a child – with a boy and a girl. Then, in no time, we were back to three: Drew, Kendra and me.
There was no denying I longed to have two children present here on Earth with us. Since I’d had a miscarriage in the past, some family members and I were concerned that trying to have another child too soon after losing Logan would cause me to have another one. We decided to pray and put the decision in the Lord’s hands. We started trying, and less than six months later, we were pregnant. We were over the moon with excitement.
Then, the questions came. Did we want a boy? Did we want a girl? Would it be hard to have another boy? Would it hurt or provide comfort if he looked like Logan? If we had a girl, would there still be an imbalance since we were used to having one of each? I was glad the decision wasn’t mine to make, and I had complete faith that God had the perfect plan for us.
In Dec. 2018, our beautiful baby boy was born. Connor made our family as close to complete as it could be. Did Connor replace Logan? Definitely not. Does it hurt when people tell us Connor looks similar to Logan or when his expressions remind us of Logan? Not at all. If anything, it brings back wonderful memories of Logan’s expressions, dance moves, actions and words.
We miss Logan each and every day and we always will. He will never be replaced or forgotten. Logan held and will continue to hold a very special place in our family and our hearts. However, I think God knew exactly what we needed. We needed our family to be four again. We needed two children in our back seat, two children in our house, and two children playing and laughing on our living room floor. Connor is his own unique person, and our family is better for having both boys in our lives. I’ve chosen to share our story because I know of other families that have lost children and wondered whether to have another child. For me, it’s clear. Having Connor provided our family with comfort, healing and balance. My heart is not whole without Logan here on Earth with us, but now that we have another child, our life seems closer to the norm we once knew so well. We won’t be completely restored until we are in Heaven with Christ, but this is as close as we can get, given our circumstances.
If you are wondering whether to have another child, know this: I would make the same choice over and over again. I would have another child. Maybe your plan is different; maybe it’s not. God has a plan for you, and He knows exactly what you need.